28 & falling in love

As I approach 29, I celebrate 3.5 years booze free. I celebrate coming into myself in the most powerful way. Feeling into my skin to stretch myself wide. Knowing the love that lives within the spaces of my body and my truest desire to exude it. Feeling into all the experiences that have molded me into my being. All the struggles that allowed me to embrace the darkness with the same compassion as the light.

I received more clarity as I felt more into who I was. I gave myself permission to be full and to be whole. Allowing access to all parts of my being. I learned to feel full spectrums of emotions. To feel the depths of love, happiness & bliss, you must feel the opposite to appreciate the splendor of their gravity. Honoring difficult emotions by staying open to them and not suppressing what needs to be felt, allows them to shift and bring more room for sweetness.

I fell in love with myself during my 28th year on this planet.
I also fell in love and fell. I fell hard and had to pick up all the pieces of my heart.
But I was able to realize the power of love.
I was able to hold the heaviness of my own heart. I held it in my bare hands looking at all the shadows I’ve been fearful of facing, and as it pulsed in between my fingers I learned the love I needed to give it.

Heartbreak cuts you open to look at all the darkness poured out. The parts I never knew existed. I dove into the depths of my soul. Into the deepest sorrow to be able to feel even grander joy. I dredged the trenches of my heart to learn what the inside of it looks like. Removing barriers that held me from feeling love fully. From loving every single part of my being.

I was able to feel into the space within me. To learn the value of what I needed to fill my soul with. As I felt my energy I gave it only what would expand my heart, mind and being.

I began surrendering to my life by listening to all the messages it sends to me. Hearing when my soul craves connection and love. Fueling my vessel with nourishment and restoration. Be that delightful tastes from the earth, solitude or grounding in nature. Spending time barefoot in the dirt, wading my feet in running water and breathing in the fresh air as I wander to places familiar and new. Typically covered in mosquito bites, and bruises but fully living.

The more you search, the less you find. 

The more you surrender, the more you will live. 

As we continue down our path, somethings no longer feel aligned and it's okay to release them. All the hotdogs, booze and toxic humans from my past allowed me to feel the furthest from my center, so that I am able to embrace this real connected being now.

As I evolved, as did all avenues of me. My practices changed with time and my creative force went through transformation. As time goes on we expand and need practices to connect that match the frequency we are vibrating on. Then souls come into your life that match your frequency, that are on the same wave length as you. You can feel it through the effortless flow of your souls connecting. The ease of communicating and understanding what each other’s hearts feel like. The inspiration they provide and the support they give you to be fully authentically yourself. For they believe in you as they see your light shine, and they reciprocate the love you radiate. I fell into deep connection with friends I adore and admire.

I am a people admirer, I love connecting and learning about their individualistic selves. Discovering how we think, love, what we believe in and hope for. I am able to understand humans and love even deeper. We all search for and desire love. Perhaps we are looking too hard. Maybe it’s always been within. It’s all around. It radiates from your being when you connect with it.

This year taught me about the power of my energy. How we are all bodies of energy vibrating. I focused on my alignment with my truth. Filling all spaces of me with love and harnessing my power. When you put energy into falling in love with yourself, you call people into your life who love you to the same degree.

I flow into my body to give it the love it needs. Our bodies should be treated like palaces and they will respond with even more power when cherished. Movement has become my connection and healing this year. To release the energy that has been stored and awaken what has been dormant. My full self. A deeper breath of who my being is. Following my curiosities and taking leaps into exploration. Trying new forms of movement that intimidate me. Flexing belief and following intuition through it.

I dove into the depths of my being to embrace the full existence of myself.
I want to be unconditional love as I continue in my journey on this earth.
Finding balance each day to come from a place of presence and gratitude.
To soften into my humanness and forgive myself for the moments I veer away.
I take intentional moves to be the energy in the room.
I am working on allowing my traumas to become my nirvanas.
Allowing my imagination to strengthen everyday with each belief into my whimsical existing.

fasting & feeling alive through Ramadan

I have just concluded fasting for 27 days in a row. The longest consecutive amount of time I have accomplished. I fasted from sunrise to sunset. Abstaining from consuming water, food, and negative talk towards myself and others.

It is part of my faith. It isn’t some weight loss fad that has become trendy through intermittent fasting. The holy month allows us to remove the distractions from our every day to be fully with our self to feel gratitude for the life we have.

Each Ramadan provides new lessons, clarity and gratitude in ways you never expect. It brings you closer to yourself and to love. Your mind is able to be cleansed as you quit bad habits and change your rituals. You feel lighter, more at peace and fully present.

Feeling the moments of each day as they unfold can be intimidating at first because you have nothing to fill yourself with or distract. We are only given a certain amount of energy each day. We get to decide what we do with it, where we will allow our energy to flow and how to use the power we have.

Not being in your homeland during such a holy month of connection and deep-rooted love is more difficult. You are not able to hear the prayers echoing through the village. You don’t see the fast in everyone’s body, manners, and energy. You don’t have an entire country around you to relate to what you are feeling and going through.

It becomes far more powerful of a connection with you and your higher self, when you don’t have the support of your country participating. Instead it’s time for you to thank God for the vessel you have to thrive in this world.

You feel more love through you, giving more compassion to others and yourself. Being able to recognize how your body and mind feel without food and water for 20 hours as you go through your day. You feel more gratitude for what you have been blessed with and can understand deeper for others with less.

You have to closely feel into your body to understand what it needs, and learn that it can do SO much with the energy you have. It doesn’t require much but we have been convinced that it needs everything before it can be satisfied or run properly.

Cravings and desires don’t last. They may feel strong as the long day starts. They feel like a strong pull persuading you of how badly you need it. But as the hours press on, your energy levels can only be given to things you truly care to think about. The pull to the distractions lessens.

I taught 3 yoga classes each week, I continued training with my boxing coach and going for walks in the park. I didn’t limit my movement rituals for I know my body can improve as I realize the power of my mind more.

Your awareness intensifies
Self-control strengthens as you resist actions.
You decide where you want your energy to go to.
Flexing spiritual muscles as our faith grows stronger.
Through love, gratitude, prayer, breath and existence; we strengthen our faith muscle connecting to the universe. While restricting food and behavior through fasting, we are able to restructure our patterns and limit worldly desires to reinforce our ability to progress.

Instead of trying to fill, to rush, to push passed here; I am able to gather the richness and the inspiration of this existence.

As I soften into my humanness with less mental distractions I realize I am my own loving guidance. Feeling unconditional love and forgiveness at my center. Taking the magnitude of each day with more intention to feel the fullness of all that we have. 

Our existence needs to be fully felt.
Feel your body. Hear only what it needs to be a loving energy source.
Thanking the universe, God, a higher source for all that is this life.
Aware of your body in space.
Aware of love emanating from your soul.

dear mother earth i'm sorry

Dear Earth,

I apologize for us all, for the way in which we have been treating you.

In the ways in which we have been treating each other as well.

We aren’t taking care of this beautiful planet and those that inhabit it.

We must be kinder.

To the ground we stand upon.

To the hearts near and far.

To each soul that is struggling through this journey of life.

We are all walking this path at this time together.

Mother Earth is trying to provide but she is hurting watching as fear grows through us.

We must be more loving.

Treat yourself with more compassion.

Give yourself space to feel and understand your heart.

To not allow the anger or sadness fill you so that you can not see or understand.

Earth can only give as much as you give yourself.

See this planet for all of its life and love.

For all the beauty it provides.

Be softer with your heart.

Hold it tenderly to understand we are all souls feeling so much.

Not paying attention to our bodies. Our temples.

Our homes. Our country.

Our earth.

Each other.

Each soul radiates.

Each soul battles with their story and their identity at different times.

Have more compassion for all those who occupy the soil we all stand upon in this universe.

Mother Earth, I thank you for doing all you can as we try to feel and deal with our confused hearts and misunderstood emotions.

I thank you for every star in the sky that lights a path.

For the moon that is always shining when we need it most.

I thank you for each sunrise and sunset, where colors emerge from the darkness.

For the beauty you have created for us to be more present in ourselves and where our two feet are planted.

Thank you,

a soul trying to love as deeply & compassionately as she can

The Girl Who Cried Freedom

Within the span of 8 months I’ve seen him perform twice.
My mind, heart and body were in two different places for each time.
Both stages were days filled with love and laughter.
Except this show I felt deeply within my heart. 

This man from the UK sang of pain and from the dwelling of my heart at this moment, I could feel it. Looking directly at him as his words came from deep within his soul and filled the room. I planted my feet on the ground to be able to allow the music in. As my body filled with its power, my hand clutched my heart.

He was feeling his pain as he revived his heart to tell his story.
Using that honesty of his emotions to reveal his story.
The words seeped into my aching heart and it burst. My eyes filled with tears slowly.
As he felt, the entire room felt the rawness of his heartbreak.
He opened his heart to show it to this small intimate room in Orlando.
Feeling and hearing the words illuminating what I couldn’t describe deep within.
I felt a release. A spiritual connection and letting go during his performance. His art.
He looked at the audience with the lights on.
Thanked them for giving him their time, for time is so precious.

Time is such a fascinating concept. The growth that happens as it passes by.
You don’t realize it until you are faced in similar surroundings or emotions.
The time to feel, to allow what needs to flow to come through.
As days pass, things begin to feel less.
As months go by, things feel differently.

The first time I saw him was in Paris at a free concert that we happened to find ourselves at. I discovered him months before when his music reoccurred in my yoga playlist because of the power of his voice and the instrumentals. Seeing his name on the weekend festival flyer, I knew I was destined to see him perform live. It was outside in the sunshine and I felt the joy within his lyrics and his energy. For I was among my two girlfriends letting inspiration consume us.

Music has this way of letting you feel emotions that you can’t truly convey. This understanding of your heart as you surrender to feeling it.

I woke up the next morning with these lyrics echoing inside me. 

“Oh, please be good to me

Oh save my soul and lead me home

I've been running for far too long

Oh, please be good to me” 

I surrender to this moment. 

To not run anymore, but to feel.

(All pictures taken by me in Paris, France July 2018, I was too present to take pictures at this last show)

empowered women empower women | found it in buti bliss

We live in a time where sisterhood is at its strongest vibration. Where we can connect with women that allow us the space to grow and vibrate together. Women radiate when they feel positive and peaceful with who they are and they want those around them to feel the same.

Empowered women empower women. 

If we treated each other as equal and supported one another, we can all rise together. We waste too much energy feeling threatened by each other, when we can focus on uplifting one another. I worked in a primarily women corporate company. Each day I watched as insecure women rose to the top and used their authority to push those wanting to grow further into monotonous tasks and spaces not to speak. They would belittle and bully individuals below them. I knew it came from a place of unhappiness and lack of confidence. From a fear of losing their position and ability to control, they made sure to not teach for fear we could grow beyond.

As hard as they tried, they couldn’t break me. I knew the strength I had. I had someone who sat by me and reminded me each day when she saw me down with passion and aggression “you are better than this, you will rise”.

Within those same walls I found women that radiated and our connections were instantaneous. The experience provided me the closest and most supportive women, whose spirits motivated me and saw my potential when I didn’t feel fully there yet.

Every week I would go to a Buti yoga class to be reminded of how women could empower each other. The studio always had their doors open wide to comfort me when I felt myself losing my shine. Each week we all stood in front of a mirror.

Women of every body type, age, and career path coming together to focus on giving their bodies self love. We allowed our bodies to move without rules or limits of how it should look. Releasing judgement towards ourselves and those around us. A power of women coming together. Raw, sweaty, & not perfect. Just being in their bodies to release grips we hold as women in our hearts. 

Buti is Maharathi for a cure that has been hidden or kept secret. I felt each week I was awakening the truest form of me as I flowed in that class.

After I quit and traveled the world for a few months, I missed the bliss I felt after the intense movement of the class. I missed the women and the energy I experienced. Yoga gave me peace of mind. Buti gave me an empowered, sexy feeling of union with women as a whole.

When I returned from my travels I became certified during an intense two day packed training. It pushed me to become more vulnerable and strengthen my power. Learning more about the practice revealed its influence it had on me and the room of women wanting to become teachers as well.

This practice made me believe in women when I felt the most betrayed by them in my daily life. I love teaching it because of the awakening it could possibly provide others. But most of all, its so fun and empowering!

My best friend said after I taught my first class “doing Buti with friends is like having sex with friends in a platonic way. I am rooting for you! I look sexy! You look sexy! We doing this!”

Let us stand in our power. 

Let us love each other. 

In turn it allows us to love ourselves with passion & stimulating adoration.