birthday ceremony & reclamation of love

To be honored.
To be celebrated.
To be seen and loved fully as the goddess I am.
To feel love so immensely.
To me is the ultimate way to commemorate another year alive.

My birthday is special to me. It’s a pivotal moment for me to look back in reflection and to move forward with even more fullness. To really receive all that this life has to offer. To be able to even celebrate is such a blessing and a privilege.

Two years ago on my 30th birthday, I found out about the passing of my cousin Rami. It was devastating and the deepest grief I’ve ever visited thus far. Months after I fell into a deep depression. It was many things all piled up and I couldn’t see outside of the dark cave that I had allowed myself to sit in for some time. I’m not new to depression but this was depths I had never made a home in before and had settled my soul into. Fully believing at that time that life wasn’t worth living. As I write this, I have tears flowing down my face at the remembering of how hard and scary it felt. How then it felt like I would never escape the thought of ending this existence. But I did!

I climbed out. I did SO much healing work to understand and release what weighed me down so much. I continued to show up for myself, every single day. To face the darkness and the reasons I felt so low. It isn’t easy to heal. It is brutal. It is also not a singular path from depression to joy. It’s a whole ass journey to get there. To be able to live in that space of gratitude and acceptance

A year after his passing I wanted to leave that day open to any possible sadness I may have felt. I didn’t feel called to celebrate my birthday. It almost felt wrong to be in joy, on the day that he left us. That day I spent the night with my cousin (his sister) laughing and catching up until the morning hours of the next day. It was still joy filled, as well as a tribute to him.

As this birthday was approaching I knew it was time.
After these 2 years of active healing and dedication to loving myself more.
I knew that I wanted to honor me.
To be surrounded by those I love.
I wanted a ceremony to claim all of who I am, to myself.
I wrote vows. Vows to honor me and fully trust and believe in myself.
To continue loving myself so fiercely and unapologetically.

We gathered on the morning before my birthday at the beach. We set up an altar created by all the things we felt called to bring with us. I read the vows out loud. My soul sisters spoke their words of love to me. Hand on my heart I received all of it. I allowed myself to open to the beaming light that radiates from me.

When I stood up and looked at them all sitting, in full awe and disbelief of how it all unfolded with such beautiful intention. I was told “this is a reflection of the work you’ve done”. I felt that. Because in these moments I feel so seen, heard and understood. So greatly supported by the circle of women I am around and so valued for the love I give.

We sipped elixirs. Frolicked in the water. Loved on one another. We laughed. We shared. We ate fruits. We painted together, using no tools and only ourselves and what we could find. We cleansed each other using our crystal bowls and pouring over each crown to clear and expand it even further.

As I floated in the water, I was showered with rose petals that had come from a bouquet that my dad gifted my mom for their 34th anniversary. Love roses all around me as my two closest sisters continued to rain more upon me. It felt like a dream.

These moments are what I wished for. To be around others that are like minded and open to all the odd things and simple joys I appreciate.

We celebrated me in the most fairy like way, in a portal that we created together. Adorned in roses. Floating atop the water being supported by sisters. Loved with all the love languages.

I’m beaming still.
Because I have finally realized,
It is a gift to be me.
It’s a blessing to live another year.
To love another year.
It is so special to be able to celebrate another year alive. To gather with your friends to commemorate another trip around the sun. To go forward with even more vigor and passion and love.

My cousin communicated to me before I made my birthday plans, “you need to celebrate your birthday, it would be silly of you not to”. He doesn’t want me to be sad anymore.
He was joy. He would want us all living in that joy.

So here is to healing deeper.
Loving grander.
Appreciating more.
Beaming brighter.

I live and love with intention.
I breathe and experience through each breath.
I am love. I am love. I am love.

long lasting & fulfilling joy || healing in Costa

Every time I return I remember how gorgeous and free I feel in the rainforest.

Free in my body, free in my heart, & free in my soul.
Open & raw, expressive & intuitive, fully being.

I thrive in the tropics. Eating the fruits, lounging in the shade of the palm trees, and embracing the waves as my body floats upon them.Costa Rica has been a place of deep healing for me. My soul has been slowly calling me to go ever since the wildness of 2020 began, but I knew I had to be patient to spend time with mother nature in the way I knew I needed to.

I needed deep healing. A deeper understanding of what brought me joy, to open myself up again. After what has felt like a long heavy scary time, I had become so used to the groundhog days and same scenery. It slowly made me go mad honestly and the darkness that ensued terrified me and those around me. I went so far in that it just became dreary in that isolation. Slowly I stopped reaching out to friends and the weight of my worries would consume my days and have me spiraling to the point I couldn’t get or stay up for long periods of time. My practices felt futile and disconnected. I just was. I hated it. Not feeling like myself and feeling so lost with what to do to return to my being, I just did what I could with the energy I had. But that energy was so limited at the bottom of the hole. Very little reception or sense could be made when the lenses I had on were so dark. Felt as if I was reaching while in a constant state of falling. With no desire to share this bleak outlook, I avoided calls and texts; which after some time makes things actually worse. For the calls and texts are coming from people that care and want to support you in any way they can.

As a person who is used to holding space for others, I felt at the time that the same wouldn’t be reciprocated when I needed it. That was the ego speaking over love. That fearful voice of not feeling deserving of love had become a prominent voice on a loud intercom inside, drowning out the light. It enjoyed drudging up past pains to reminisce, dwell and obsess on. Almost as if a dementor had a hold on my mind and wanted my concentration on the bleak darkness of what was, instead of being present to what is and could possibly be. For I have a loving family, caring friends, a safe home and ability to do what I need to survive; yet in the mess of it all I couldn’t even take a deep breath without my heart racing trying to push passed this moment. It was so thick that only sleep could save me from myself.

What I needed more than anything, was a change of scenery to get me out of the stuck loop and the ability to see what is possible.

When my longest time friend and closest sister invited me to join her in one of the most magical places I have ever been to heal, I took a leap and trusted in the divine timing of the universe and the guidance provided to me. This was exactly what I had been waiting for.
Apprehension of traveling because it had been SO long came up. But once preparing and noticing that that was just a fear based out of the unknown and trusting in what was in my control for safety and comfort, I took off on a month-long trip to Costa Rica.

We traveled along the Pacific side beginning in Manuel Antonio and then making home in Uvita. Nature was the main element of each day. We discovered waterfalls to cleanse in. Beach spots to witness epic sunsets and dance freely at. Women who held beautiful space to open and share. The days unfolded and I began slowly feeling more free in my body.

The peace and ease I feel in, on and near water. The expansion I began to notice as I danced more, sang more, and expressed myself fully. My mind had gone from tumultuous strong tides whipping me from side to side, to this stillness in my soul as the weight of darkness lifted and I could float upon the peace of the waves. All those lows and the practices that helped me get through, allowed these highs to feel even grander and fuller. To have even more appreciation for I knew I went through the darkest parts of my soul, giving grace and compassion and breathing through it even when my sadness took the reins. Just like surfing, and life, I had to ride those gnarly lows and get smacked over and over by the waves, to ride the intense highs and find the balance where I am. With peace and joy in my body and immense gratitude for my journey.

No longer will I give energy to that which dims or limits my light. Going through darkness allows more appreciation and expansion for the light. For we need both to realize this full existence. We need both to devote our trust to love for ourselves. Making self care and love a ritual. Make this existence so sacred that you are a disciple to your very being and gifts. Play more, create more, move your body and breath.

It hasn’t been easy. A lot of loss, shedding, and releasing. Yet I feel lighter and more open with love to share.

Sending it out to all those in this universe that need it the most. I see you. I can feel the pain you’ve gone through. Be sure to hold space for it to come through and learn deeper what it is you desire. As old patterns and habits come up, be ready to purge those parts that are no longer in alignment with the frequency you are vibrating at.

You are your own healer. You are your greatest gift.

Check in on your friends. They may not be sharing all they are going through. See how you can support those you care for. Even by being an ear for them to flow out what is weighing on them. Be sure to fill your cup first though. You can never give from an empty cup. Your overflow and full presence when you’re able to hold that space has more power and ability to help.

Living from a space of immense and eternal gratitude, for long lasting and fulfilling joy.

Radiating Being

It has been a heavy year, with so much change, shifts and grief being felt. Cycles have been ending and truths have been revealed. We are also noticing our behaviors, fears and habits that aren’t for our highest good. It’s been a continuous season letting go and releasing. I trimmed my branches from the root so that I may to grow even bigger. Releasing those branches with love, knowing it will allow me to become and expand fuller.

I’ve been hiding from all the socials for a while. Been busy feeling, processing and living my experience without sharing it to the inter webs. Except last week. Last week, I activated them to share and be vulnerable. To open up about something I felt called to do.

Last Friday I had my head shaved by one of my dad’s patients; standing in solidarity with children battling cancer. The ripple effect that occurred was quick! The wave of connections my story made with many others affirmed the passion I felt when I was led to this decision.

My father has treated so many children with cancer and blood disorders and I’ve witnessed their battles of the disease at such a young age. My entire upbringing was watching him be a hero saving lives.

When children and their parents receive the news of having being diagnosed with cancer, nothing from that point is their choice. They didn’t choose to be sick. They have to let go of all conceptions of their life before, so that they may give all their energy to overcoming. They have to fight a battle. They are warriors now trying to live a life that most take for granted.

Many of us don’t fully appreciate the choices in freedom we have. The choices in our health and taking care of our souls.

I had the ability to choose this and go forward to try to bring more awareness to cancer, hair and what it all means to me.

I made the decision two weeks before the event. Once I decided, I knew it had to be done. The anticipation during that time allowed me to feel more into it and to embrace my curls even MORE FULLY (which I didn’t know was even possible). Feeling the power my curls provided around my face and how much it had grown and formed through the seasons as I evolved. As a child I was fed the image of perfection and beauty as blonde straight hair, as most women are. I didn’t understand then that beauty existed in all forms. It took seasons to stop damaging my hair to let my curls form naturally. These past few years my curls have made me feel more me. Embracing how Lebanese they made me look, how much I resembled my mother, and the women before me.

As women, we have used hair to define us. It is something we have used to shield ourselves from the world. To feel beautiful, confident and strong. But what happens when we don’t have it any longer?

I cannot speak for all but letting go of my hair has shown me that I am able to embody my full being without the need of that shield. It feels natural when I look in the mirror. Seeing my truest self; looking back at me. The new experiences and sensations of wind, water and sun upon my crown are so stimulating. I feel liberated and free.

So I will leave you with this.
Continue to stand in your power.
Continue to claim your authentic self and radiate more in your being.